Out To Lunch With Troubled Members Of The Finance World

The Age

Monday March 10, 2008

David James - David James is investment editor for BRW magazine and author of The Business Devil's Dictionary. He once worked out the meaning of life, but then forgot.

THE global credit squeeze is assuming Biblical proportions (the bit where Moses burns a bush and sets off a forest fire). Bankers and other members of the finance community are so troubled that many are having difficulty eating their three-course lunches. Fortunately, a solution is at hand - don't serve them three-course lunches. Here are some words that are a little out to lunch.

Adviser. A federal parliamentarian who was once an important member of the cabinet but now has a lot of time on his hands.

Assets under management. A scam that involves taking other people's money so that you can take more of other people's money. The Tooth Fairy for fund managers.

Bavardage. Foolish or empty chatter. Often occurs when people open their mouths.

Fund managers. Financial professionals who chase each other around various markets in a desperate attempt to prove that they are different just like everyone else. It never works, but only because it can't.

Military invasion. A much loved pastime of Americans, who like to show how much they respect other countries by blowing them up. Unfortunately, the whole thing has a tendency to end in death, horror, and Sylvester Stallone movies. Nobody has yet had the wit to blow up a Sylvester Stallone movie.

Prejudice. Oxygen for the disempowered.

Shareholders. The people who take the main risks when providing capital for companies. And, of course, because they take the main risks, well, tough. Nothing for you buddy if things go wrong.

David James is investment editor at BRW magazine and author of The Business Devil's Dictionary.

© 2008 The Age

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